Knowing

This is a little personal but I want to get it out. I went to a MOPs meeting today and it was really fun and encouraging, I loved it and highly recommend it, but that is not what I need to get off my chest. There was a really sweet lady there who was pregnant with her fourth child. She had just found out yesterday that she was pregnant. I found that I was jealous of her, not because she was pregnant, that has never been something I could covet or begrudge someone else in any way, what I was jealous of was her joy, and the total lack of fear in letting the world know that she was pregnant even though it was so early. When I type it out it seems so silly to feel so strongly about something that in the grand scheme of things is so little but I wish with all my heart that I could ever feel that way. I would love to feel that because I was pregnant I could rejoice and shout it from the mountain tops and tell everyone it happened to come up with but instead I will always spend that time in fear, not wanting to tell anyone so that even though I don't get to share the joy I don't have to share the pain if it ends badly. I feel that I have been robbed and I never stop asking God why. I know that there must be a reason and sometimes it is like I get a glimpse of why this is part of his plan for my life but the answers never seem good enough and so I keep looking, and keep asking, knowing without a doubt that someday I will know, that someday the Lord will show me what his plans were and I will have such great, overwhelming, joy then knowing that I was chosen, that I was worthy of these trials. But for today I still don't have an answer. I guess that is why we are called to faith, faith that there is a Lord who loves the babies I lost, and faith that he is in control, and faith that someday we will know. I don't think it makes my faith less for the asking, and I don't think it makes my faith less for the tears or for the wishing. If anything it is stronger because if I wasn't asking and wishing I wouldn't wonder so much about his plan and there would be so much that He has done in my life that I would have missed. So I guess in part God has given me an answer, another glimpse at his purpose and in some way I am comforted. I will dry my tears, take this peace offered me, and try to give Jesus my burdens knowing above all else of his love for me.

Grocery Budget!

I have been going in circles trying to find an efficient, cost effective, low maintenance way to get a good deal on groceries. In Arlington I had it down, at least it felt like I had it down. There was always the tiny bit of wiggle room left in the grocery budget at the end of the month. But now that we have moved it seems that all my methods for saving money are useless. I scrimp, and bargain hunt to the extent which my limited knowledge of Abilene will let me, but I can't seem to get ahead. it doesn't help that while I am trying to make this transition prices everywhere are skyrocketing as gas prices move higher and higher. At least the part of out budget is smaller in Abilene. What it finally comes down to is I MISS ALDI! *sniff*

Pacifier Retrival Mission a Failure

So we tried to take away the pacifier today for nap time only. He cried and cried and eventually I went in the and laid down on the floor next to him. That was the first bad idea. The second bad idea was that I fell asleep. I woke up about half and hour later to Nathan still not asleep but just playing on his bed. I decided in my groggy state that I should go to my own bed if I wanted to sleep so I got up to leave. This created a new wave of crying which I dutifully ignored until he started banging on the wall. And then, half asleep, in my delirious half cognizant frenzy for silence, I GAVE BACK THE PACIFIER. I have just created a world of trouble for myself.