Coughing, Cramps, and Gollum

A horrifying but funny story, especially at 3:30 am while on steroids:
I was sitting on the toilet coughing the other day, it is my favorite place to cough because, you know, children, when my attempts to move phlegm went horribly awry and I got what could only be described as a charlie horse just over my left ovary.
 I didn’t know the muscles there could even do that, but I will say it hurt more than any contraction I have ever felt, a muscle cramp the likes of which had never invaded such a poor abused area of my body.
So what do you do with a cramped muscle like that? You stretch it out, but I’m still coughing, or attempting to stifle coughing, and can’t just pop up because, oh, I’m on my period and it’s like day two, so standing straight up without necessary protection in place, especially while coughing, will result in something by akin to a scene from Carrie.
So I’m huddled, trying to drip into the toilet, frantically attempting to dress myself, cantered to one side like a hunchback, desperately praying I can hold in the rest of the cough, both because of the pain and the vivid images in my mind of the bloody near death scene that I feel is in the works, while trying to navigate the delicate process that pulling up underwear with a pad attached is even when your not huddled like Gollum.
I got the underwear up without creating a hazmat situation, stood up, and nearly wept with relief. Then I coughed, and I pretty sure I died for a moment. It relaxed after that and life went on.
Just take a moment to imagine it and laugh because if it’s not funny, I don’t know what is.
You will all be glad to know that I survived and only regret that I am not telling you this in person so you could see the horrifyingly delightful contortions I would reenact for you.