Weaning Woes

     Finley was always a bit anti bottle. I don't know if it was because they took too long, delivered the milk the wrong way or something else. It just wasn't mom and she wanted mom. She was an easy going baby so we could leave her with people for a significant period of time even if she wouldn't take a bottle and so I never pushed it.

Big Stuff, right?

     I actually tried a bottle again because she grabbed one of brothers sippy cups and put it in her mouth sucking joyfully at it, she thought she was big stuff drinking from a cup like brother. So I tried the bottle and she took it with no trouble. I still didn't pump much but it was nice to know that she would take a bottle and occasionally I would put watered down juice in it for her when we would be out which she typically enjoyed.

Teeth, every nursing
mothers hope and fear in one.

     About two months ago I was counting down to the day when I could wean. Finley didn't bite, or I would have cut her off long ago, but she pulled and pinched constantly so that some times feeding time was more like a wrestling match. But I never felt exasperated or failed to realize how precious those moments were, at least when when she wasn't pulling her head back or grabbing hunks of my flesh in her fist. It just seemed to be in my best interest to move things along once Finley turned one. As we got closer to her first birthday she seems to realize that she was hurting me and started being much more gentle. Nursing became our very special cuddle time early in the morning and just before bedtime and I was considering nursing for a few more months past her birthday.

Drowsy Baby

     Three or so weeks ago I got a bit of a head cold. I didn't give it a second thought, just drank tea, sinus rinses, allergy pills, and lots of Kleenex. This went on for almost a week when one morning I woke up to a pain in my ears. Daniel got the kids up and took them to my amazing cousin-in-law's house while I lay in bed applying counter pressure to my ears to keep from screaming. I made a doctors appointment and after a while some advil kicked in and I was able to move slowly around my quiet house. I called the pediatrician because I knew there was a chance that either the medication wouldn't let me breastfeed or would dry up my milk. They told me what I already knew, that since Finley was days from turning one she could start drinking cows milk and eating a normal diet without having to supplement. In other words, weaning would be simple and not include formula.

Me, Mommy and the Bottle

     The doctor gave me an antibiotic that wouldn't allow me to breastfeed so we did a crash course in weaning that night. Finley got a bottle of slightly warmed milk and I took some strong painkillers due to the ear/shots in each hip/haven't fed the baby since 5am pain and went to sleep.
Finley adapted like a pro. She didn't pull at my shirt or look to feed when I held her in a prone position. She and her bottle would cuddle up with me and then she would go to bed with no fuss.

Infafeeder: The best of
both worlds

   
     I have not felt the joy and relief I thought that I would feel when I decided to wean Finley. Since she finishes the bottles so much faster our cuddle time is much shorter and she just seems so much more grown up now. I feel like overnight I have a toddler instead of an infant. And the longer I go with out nursing the less okay with it I am. It didn't help that it took a week and a half for my milk to dry up which meant that I thought in passing about trying to re-initiate nursing once the antibiotic was over. The first day that I noticed that I wasn't uncomfortable, that it really was over, I just began weeping. I know that some of this must be due to the crazy swings weaning caused in my hormones, but I can't dismiss all my feeling that way.

My Baby Girl and Me

I try to focus on the good things, for example, I have so much more energy now, which really surprised me. I didn't remember that happening with Nathan. Baby girl is eating more table food and seems to really love it. And the best part is that Daniel can do the 5 am bottle which gives him some time with Finley and me a bit more sleep, but is it worth it?
I miss that undeniable link between me and my child more than I ever thought I would. Sometimes when I think about it something in my heart still gives a tiny tug and I have to take a deep breath. But, you know what, her face still lights up just for me when I come get her in the morning, she still loves to sit in my lap and get kisses, she loves to cuddle up with me when she gets sleepy, and when she gets a bump there is no one else in the world who can make it right but momma. How blessed am I?