Natural Consequences

     You read all these books about parenting when your child is two because that is when the first time parent has a panic attack and realizes they have no idea what they are doing. I found that most of the books that I read had great advice, for about a seven year old. "If your child can't handle privacy take away their door, if your child tears up their or others toys they pay to replace them... " and so on. These were the "natural consequences" of their behavior in a controlled loving environment.

What is the "Naturals Consequence"
 for toe pinching?

      I don't know about you but my two year old had a door so that he would ever sleep and my two year old didn't quite get the concept of money. Oh he liked it, to eat or stick up his nose or in any other crevice he can find around the house but the whole value of a dollar thing just wasn't there yet. So we did a lot of time-out and taking away toys, and a whole, whole lot of prayer; sometimes for guidance, sometimes for forgiveness for the days I know I didn't do it right. What else can you do but try to tacitly discourage the "undesired" behavior because you really can't reason with your two year old? They are mini terrorists, in fact I had moments where I would say to myself, as mediation would fail to make an impact of my screaming child, "We don't negotiate with terrorists, or two year olds, We don't negotiate...".

That still didn't stop me from trying. I will confess that I had long, explanatory, semi-intellectual, but one sided, conversations with my two year old son about why we don't touch the toilet or grab mommy's glasses or scream for...anything... or whatever. Don't judge me, you have done it to, and when you spend all day in the house with a two year old you start to get desperate for conversation... any conversation.

"My personality is squelched!"

But back to the parenting books, they all propose natural consequences, letting the result of misbehavior, within reason, be the punishment, but it's not a "punishment", you can't use the word punishment because... I don't know it somehow means the wrong thing. That is the other problem with these books, they spend half their time teaching you vocabulary. "You don't want to be permissive (I'm with you...) but you don't want to be authoritarian (wait...) you must be authoritative (and I'm lost)." Okay, so this is what I finally got: How to be a parent- not over bearing, not without boundaries, not punitive, forgiving but firm, creative but not crazy, you can spank or you can't, or you shouldn't but sometimes you have to, and don't squelch their personality or creativity while your at it. Anything else? Oh yes, if you do it wrong you will ruin your child for life and they will spend millions of dollars on therapy to fix what you did to them... or become a psychopath. No pressure.
I guess I should start saving for my kids therapy bills now.

     Now that my sweet boy is four we can begin to use some of those more natural consequences as the logical result of misbehavior. When he played too rough with the box that we kept his trains in and broke it he used his money that he earned by doing chores to buy a new one. When he ground play-doh into the carpet he got to help me scrub it up. If he throws his toys they get taken away, if he hits the door of his room with something and it makes a mark he has to clean it off. If he dumps his cup of water in protest then he doesn't have water.

"This has got to violate child labor laws, Mom."

      All those books make more sense now, but there was a long journey to get here and there are still so many things that I just don't even know how to react to and I know that four is just the tip of the thirteen year old iceberg. I often try to remind myself that if I can instill a love for God in my kids that no matter what they do now I will have all the important things covered, but this is so hard to remember when he dumps an entire bottle of shampoo in the tub to make bubbles.

     Perhaps, if we are consistent and creative enough at four, once he is sixteen he will think twice before he does something creatively stupid because he will know that our parents failed to squelch our creative personalities and we can come up with something equally "creative" in response. The point is I want to lovingly set my kids up for reality because reality will not be as kind to them as they learn as I will. So you soften the blow while still allowing them to experience the results of their choices.

     Future rewards, or regrets, aside the best part of all this reading, researching, and hair-pulling-out, and long "where did I go wrong" talks with God, for today, is to see the pride this precious child of mine takes in the things he does, whether it is to set right something he did hastily, to show Dad how great his clean room looks, or for whatever reason. He really seems to be developing a sense of respectful ownership for the things around him and how he behaves with them. As much of a handful as my kids can be I could not be more proud of my sweet children, I am amazingly blessed. I see how my son works hard everyday to live up to the expectations that Daniel and I lay out for him and typically he does an amazing job of it. How could I ask for more.

"Someday I will tell my therapist about
how you wouldn't pick me up because
you were too busy with your blog"

And if all else fails, there is therapy.