Vomit Ninja: 10 Tips for Dealing With Your Upchucking Toddler

     My triumph and the source of much of my ninja prowess came from one evening when both of my smallest ones, and my husband came down with a bug that my oldest had the night before. My eight year old handled it like a pro. No trouble there. But being the only vertical adult the next night with... projectile.... and there was this blow out diaper at the same time... not enough hot water to wash ...all the bleach... and I'm not going to tell you more because I love you.

So grateful he's in the
independent upchucking
 stage.

     Needless to say, I developed a system, after much trial and error, and my youngest two watched two seasons of Puffin Rock before it was all said and done. My evening went down in flames but I arose like a phoenix, the Vomit Ninjah! It was one of those superhero back stories you wouldn't wish on anyone. So please, learn from my pain, and laugh at my jokes, because you know I got 'em. Nights like that, jokes are what keep you going.



     After all that I had the beautiful privilege of being told by a good friend that vomit management would fit under special skills on my mom resume. So now I have it in my head that I am an expert and like all good experts I feel that need to share my knowledge.

No rest for the weary

      Disclaimer: These are all, of course, based on my experiences with my own children, your kids might not throw up within similar parameters which would make my advice less useful. Feel free to leave any other tip and tricks in the comments. Also I am primarily dealing with how to deal with a toddler that is/will be throwing up, not how to treat a toddler to stop him from throwing up. In my house those things just have to run their course, the trick is trying to keep the other members of the house from getting it and to keep the toddler from destroying your home while they are sick.

So here are my...

     Top 10 Tips For Dealing With Your Upchucking Toddler

     The key phrase in all of my tips: Minimize collateral damage! They will throw up, the trick is to throw up in/on things that are easily sanitized and quick to clean up. Ideally this is a toilet but if you have a 9-18 month old that runs to the toilet when they are throwing up... maybe we can't be friends. Just kidding, please, please, please tell us your secrets!

1.) Once the toddler throws up don't move them to a new location unless you are sure that a.) they are done with this session of puking, or b.) you are sure that you can get them to a toilet or bathtub in less than 20 seconds.

2.) Grab washable things to stuff under the toddlers face, for example- towels, blankets, or your body (it washes, I promise).
Things not in this category include but are not limited to carpet, rugs, heirloom quilts, silk, leather or non waterproofed mattresses. Your hand is not an option because you need to keep the toddler from wandering while puking. Which brings us to number 3...

3.) You need to keep said toddler from stumbling through the house trailing who knows what who knows where behind them. Hold your toddler. Yes, hold the upchucking baby. This is at times counterintuitive. And I didn't say face the child towards you, though that might work if you are using your body as a... containing option. Keep the little one from spreading his distress all over the living room, bedroom or grandma's white sofa. Aim the vomit at the towel or blanket previously mentioned if you were able to grab one.
     Side note: Preschoolers can often be pointed toward a trash can but you need to be in arms reach to keep the child from a.)knocking it over after they successfully use it or b.) coming to talk to you before its actually over. I have in fact held one child in my lap, throwing up on a towel while keeping the preschoolers head in a trash can, also throwing up... one of my finest parenting moments.

See, pallet, towels, blanket, trash can,
hair back, and Captain America shield 

4.) Movie time! Once the child is done with their... well you know, put them on a blanket, stack of towels, or my favorite, a crib mattress covered with one of those, in front of the TV or some device that will keep their attention without needing to be touched. And if you are going to be using this moment to clean up... stuff... be sure that they are in a sea of peripheral washables so that you can...Minimize Collateral Damage... when the continually surprised child tries to get up while vomiting.

I may have gone overboard on
the NO HAIR SHALL
ESCAPE theme.

     Also secure loose hair. This step lets me feel good about not bathing my child after every upchuck because I feel like I can just wipe them down and not totally hose them off until it seems like we are finished. There is only so much hot water to go around and you need it for nearly boiling all the blankets and such that are continually going into your washing machine.

5.) Do not put the child to bed, or back to bed, as always seems to be the case with my kids, until they act more normal, for example my toddler won't sit and watch TV if he's feeling ok so that is part one of my back to bed cue, part two is that it has been between 30 minutes to an hour since the last incident. Please, please, do not rush this step. It will only end in disaster... total disaster.

6.) Never trust a toddler to sleep on a non waterproof mattress within 12 hrs of the last incident. I have made pallets on the floor for mine or put them on crib mattresses if I had enough to go around. If you do this, put a blanket to the side of the 'bed' because they sometimes lean off the bed when they start throwing up or, even better, try to get up to come get you, because its hard to yell MOMMY while you throw up.

     Clean up- these last tips have to do with clean up because in my experience no child four or younger gets a stomach bug without there being a massive clean up from that first SURPRISE that, when it does show up, always shows up in my house after the kids have been in bed for an hour.

7.) Mattresses, 8.) Carpet, 9.) Cars
     So much of what I do for these starts at the same point that I'm combining them. I keep a massive box of baking soda in my house, and I mean massive. Douse the throw up as soon as you can.
     It minimizes smell, absorbs liquids so it doesn't soak in, and makes it easy to grab when it clumps up the... chunks (so sorry to say it but you know it's true), also it allows you to vacuum whatever can not be easily picked up with a towel, wipe, paper plate cut in half (for real scooping power), or paper towel.

     On a mattress I, scoop, cover it with a towel and let it sit with random vacuuming and reapplying of baking soda for up to two days, until I don't smell anything. Getting the sheets off asap makes a big difference on a mattress.

     On carpet I typically scoop, vacuum remaining baking soda, work more baking soda down into the pile to get that last bit of... liquid... and vacuum again. The same with car upholstery.
     This works well for accidents too if you happen to be potty training, but that's an entirely different blog that I don't want to write.

     Car seats are a WHOLE other problem. Wash what you can and take a baking soda/Clorox wipe approach to what you can't. Just remember, baking soda is your friend in places you can't reach or bleach. And it rhymes!

10.) Maintenance is what I call this stage- As I have mentioned before, keep the kids occupied, TV works for us, and on something that you can scoop up, wipe off, or throw away, for about an hour if not more. For the really little ones I would hold them, comforter or blanket over me, towels around them, minimal clothing since they were wrapped up, if they threw up, I would wipe off their face with a clean corner, ball up all the fabric, and straight into the washer, (thank you Lord for the sanitize setting), and reset the blankets/towel for the next onslaught.

Psychological scarring

     Once I get the initial mess dealt with I typically can just do a daunting number of loads of laundry, occasional baths, and constant vigilance, for the remainder of the night and come out exhausted but with my home relatively unscathed. My psyche is a whole other subject that would also need its own blog and really, you just don't want to know...

     And here is the Vomit Ninja, signing off and hoping that you never need my advice, but if you do, you know who to call... a friend who can read you my advice, since you have your hands full.