Because I Love You

My sweet boy issued his challenge loud and clear today and for the first time I feel like I looked at him and saw it for what it really was.

I have been reading lately, The Strong Willed Child, Setting Limits With Your Strong Willed Child, The Five Love Languages of Children, Grace Based Parenting, and How to Make Your Children Mind With Out Losing Yours, seeking a magic answer, and method I had missed, a technique I hadn't tried. I wanted an answer for my sons behavior. They are all great books with lots of ideas and insights and they all pointed me to one clear message about myself, not about my son. There is little about the practice of discipline that I don't already know, the idea is simple, the practice is hard. But when it comes to the heart of the whole matter I have been way off base.

I have been pulling out my hair trying to figure out why does he do this? Did I do something wrong? Am I ruining my son's childhood and guaranteeing long hard days ahead? Why can't he make this easier on all of us? What is the benefit to him? Does he actually like all this trouble? Why does he do this TO ME?

And there I have it. To me? This is not about me, and when I make it about me its no wonder he drives me crazy, it is about him wanting to know that I love him, about wanting to know that I love him enough to show him here are my limits and to be firm about it. Firm, not aggressive, not angry, not detached, just firm, and loving. This is not a personal vendetta against the woman who took away his toy car. This is not about any of the things that I was making in about in my head. So many of my fears and frustrations are in my head and there is no room for that when working with such an intelligent, persistent, strong will like my son. It would hurt my feelings that he would try the same thing over and over, and then I would get frustrated, and then I would not act like the mother I should be, the mother I want to be, the mother he needs me to be.

So today he sounded the challenge, I was tired, the baby had been sick yesterday, I was hurting, I was frustrated with how the day was going and we were all a bit stir crazy. It was the perfect storm for me to lose it. But I looked at him, and I saw something new. I felt sad, tired, frustrated, and there were moments that were not my best, but when I look over the day, as a whole, I am proud of myself. I was able to enjoy the happy moments and not brood over the last episode, able to accept the moments in between without feeling like I was walking on eggshells afraid that he would break out in a tantrum at any moment. Was I the peppy mom that I can be, not really, it was a really hard day. But in the end, when it was time for bed, I sang him his song, listened to his prayers, and hugged and kissed him as I tucked him in, and then he went to sleep knowing he was loved.
I saw a boy who wanted to know where is the line and how far will she go with it today, and I said all the way, my son, because I love you. And I pray that tomorrow, when, if, he states the same question, that my answer will be the same...

     ... all the way, my son, because I love you.