Knowing

This is a little personal but I want to get it out. I went to a MOPs meeting today and it was really fun and encouraging, I loved it and highly recommend it, but that is not what I need to get off my chest. There was a really sweet lady there who was pregnant with her fourth child. She had just found out yesterday that she was pregnant. I found that I was jealous of her, not because she was pregnant, that has never been something I could covet or begrudge someone else in any way, what I was jealous of was her joy, and the total lack of fear in letting the world know that she was pregnant even though it was so early. When I type it out it seems so silly to feel so strongly about something that in the grand scheme of things is so little but I wish with all my heart that I could ever feel that way. I would love to feel that because I was pregnant I could rejoice and shout it from the mountain tops and tell everyone it happened to come up with but instead I will always spend that time in fear, not wanting to tell anyone so that even though I don't get to share the joy I don't have to share the pain if it ends badly. I feel that I have been robbed and I never stop asking God why. I know that there must be a reason and sometimes it is like I get a glimpse of why this is part of his plan for my life but the answers never seem good enough and so I keep looking, and keep asking, knowing without a doubt that someday I will know, that someday the Lord will show me what his plans were and I will have such great, overwhelming, joy then knowing that I was chosen, that I was worthy of these trials. But for today I still don't have an answer. I guess that is why we are called to faith, faith that there is a Lord who loves the babies I lost, and faith that he is in control, and faith that someday we will know. I don't think it makes my faith less for the asking, and I don't think it makes my faith less for the tears or for the wishing. If anything it is stronger because if I wasn't asking and wishing I wouldn't wonder so much about his plan and there would be so much that He has done in my life that I would have missed. So I guess in part God has given me an answer, another glimpse at his purpose and in some way I am comforted. I will dry my tears, take this peace offered me, and try to give Jesus my burdens knowing above all else of his love for me.